How in the *BLEEP* do I potty train my toddler??

Like my title asks... HOW IN THE *BLEEP* DO I POTTY TRAIN MY TODDLER??
I ask this question to myself quite often lately. So I thought I would blog about a few techniques that I have read in the last few weeks since we are starting MAJOR potty training. (By the way, none of these techniques have worked for me what so ever, but maybe you will have better luck.)

1. Children will potty train when they are ready. 
That is great advice, but the way it is going in my house lately, my kid won't be "ready" until he is 7. He shows all of the "readiness" signs, and will pee in the potty all day, without having an accident, but when it comes to pooping in the toilet, he just won't. It's as simple as that, he won't.

2. Some children get scared of hearing the poop "plop" into the toilet, they sometimes think its their guts falling out.
I am not even kidding one bit, that is one of the things I have read on some potty training tip page somewhere. I have explained to my son that "Everybody Poops its ok", which brings on the never ending questions..
"Does Daddy Poop?" "Yes"
"Does Nana Poop?" "Yes"
"Does Elmo Poop?" "Yes"
"Does Big Bird Poop?" "Yes"
"Does Cookie Monster Poop?" "Yes" (because I am sure if puppets that live on a fictional street, in the television can poop, they would.)

3. Let your child  pick a fun nickname out for the toilet. (Example: Potty, Pooper, Flusher.. etc...)
I thought this one would be great. Dexter is so creative, I figured he would LOVE naming the toilet, and whenever he needs to use the toilet, I would say "Lets go use the (whatever nickname he picked)".. So I ask...
"Hey Punky, if you picked a name for the toilet would it help you feel better about pooping on it." "Yeah Momma."
"Ok, so what name do you want to call the toilet, you pick it." "The Crapper."
*Silence* I just started at him, and he started at me. I was waiting for him to laugh, or smile, or do anything, but we just sat there looking at each other. Then it hit me... HE WAS SERIOUS.
"The Crapper? Really?" "Yeah, momma, because then I could crap in the crapper."
"Well, Punky, lets think of another nickname, one that isn't so... um... silly." QUE WATERWORKS *WAAAA* "NO MOMMA, I LIKE THE CRAPPER. YOU SAID I CAN NAME IT!!"
So that one backfired, and we not have a toilet named "The Crapper." (If you could see my face right now, it is not amused.)

I am now reaching out to friends, family, and even strangers.. I need some advice, how to I get my son to poop on "The Crapper"?
(ALSO, did you know there is a song on YouTube for toddlers who are potty training and the lyrics go.. "Pooping is more fun when you do it on the potty") Yeah, not kidding about that one either, look it up. Maybe I'll let Dexter listen to it in the morning.